Understanding Continuing Bonds: A Modern Approach to Grief

Understanding Continuing Bonds: A Modern Approach to Grief, written by Sarah Jones from Full Circle Funerals.

Grief is often thought of as something to "get over" - a process that leads to moving on and leaving the past behind. However, modern psychology offers a different perspective: rather than severing ties, continuing bonds acknowledges that love, connection, and memory persist even after someone has died.

This concept provides comfort and allows individuals to navigate loss in a way that feels natural, rather than forced. But what does it mean to maintain a bond with someone who is no longer physically present?

What Are Continuing Bonds?

The Continuing Bonds Theory, first introduced by Klass, Silverman and Nickman in 1996, challenges the idea that closure means completely letting go. Instead, it recognizes that our relationships with people don’t simply end when they die - they evolve.

This approach allows people to find new ways of maintaining a connection, whether through memories, rituals, or meaningful actions that honour the person that has died.

Rather than focusing on detachment, the theory encourages people to keep people as part of their lives, helping them to process grief in a way that is individual and meaningful.

How Do People Maintain Continuing Bonds?

Each person's journey with grief is unique, and so are the ways in which they keep connections strong and positive. Here are some ways people naturally continue their connection:

1. Speaking About Them Regularly

Mentioning someone who has died in conversation keeps their memory present. Sharing stories, using their favorite sayings, or discussing their impact on your life helps preserve their presence in a way that feels comforting.

2. Keeping Personal Items

Many people find solace in keeping certain belongings - whether it's a piece of jewellery, a handwritten note, or even a favourite chair. These objects serve as tangible reminders of the bond that still exists.

3. Honoring Their Traditions

Carrying on family traditions, cooking their signature dishes, or celebrating their birthday in a special way can provide a sense of closeness and continuity.

4. Writing to Them

Some people keep journals or write letters, expressing feelings, updating them on life, or even asking for guidance. This can be a therapeutic way to acknowledge their ongoing presence in your life.

5. Creating Something in Their Memory

Planting a tree, dedicating a bench, or supporting a cause they cared about can be a meaningful way to keep their influence alive while also contributing to something positive.

6. Finding Signs of Connection

Many find comfort in small moments that remind them of people who are no longer physically present - such as a particular song playing unexpectedly or a butterfly landing nearby, a rainbow or a certain smell. Whether or not you believe in signs, these experiences often bring peace and reassurance.

Why Continuing Bonds Can Help with Grief

For a long time, grieving was seen as a linear process with an endpoint where someone is expected to "move on." However, grief is not a straight road—it is a lifelong journey that changes over time.

Continuing bonds allows people to:
Find comfort without guilt – It reassures them that it’s okay to keep remembering and loving someone who has died.
Avoid feeling ‘stuck’ – Instead of struggling to force closure, people can allow themselves to move forward while still maintaining an emotional connection.
Feel supported rather than isolated – Sharing memories and traditions with others creates a sense of community and mutual understanding.

This approach doesn’t mean living in the past - rather, it means carrying the love and lessons of those who have passed into the future.

Final Thoughts: Love That Never Leaves

Grief never truly disappears, but love also never fades. Continuing bonds offers a way to honour and cherish the connection we still feel, rather than pushing it aside.

If you have experienced loss, allow yourself to grieve in a way that feels right for you. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to healing, and maintaining a bond with someone who has died can be a source of comfort rather than pain.

At the heart of it all, grief is not about forgetting - it’s about remembering with love. 💙

If you would like any information about local bereavement support of activities to support the development of continuing bonds then please get in touch – we are here to help.